Miss Manners: I skipped a party for a colleague I don’t like. Should I have lied about why?
DEAR MISS MANNERS I worked with someone who was uber passive-aggressive and made my life at work laborious Fortunately she retired at the end of the semester Related Articles Miss Manners I don t like what strangers say about my kids and my husband Miss Manners What do I say to their implication that my grandchildren aren t real Miss Manners I get vulnerable in front of a man and then this happens Miss Manners Don t they know that work email isn t private Miss Manners I just ascertained out what my mother-in-law has been saying about me There was a retirement gathering for her with cake and coffee given by her colleagues I vowed long ago as division chair to never attend a gathering for this individual so I skipped it I was confronted and scolded regarding my absence I didn t want to lie so I disclosed there were personal issues that precluded me from attending Should I have just gone and been the better person Should I have lied that I had an appointment GENTLE READER Passive-aggressive is one of those terms that Miss Manners has never entirely understood Would an example be putting up with bad behavior from a colleague for years without resolving it and then venting the accumulated frustration by shirking one s duty as division chair to attend a ceremonial gathering honoring that person s retirement She is equally unclear on the moral distinction between being truthful about your absence when there are no consequences compared to having presumably been civil and professional every prior day when there were What would have been the harm in showing up for a colleague you did not care for but will not have to see again afterwards Instead of being the better person we can call it being the bigger person Or doing your job Or showing that there are more significant things in your life than her bad behavior DEAR MISS MANNERS A family member called to confirm birth dates and anniversary dates for my adult children and their spouses When I reminded her that both my daughter and my daughter-in-law had opted to keep their maiden names when they married their husbands she replied that she knew but that she would continue to address their anniversary cards as Mr and Mrs John Doe I politely but firmly disagreed to which she replied that she did not care not once but twice I am wondering what you think of this attitude I find it disrespectful not only of my daughter and daughter-in-law but of me GENTLE READER Knowingly addressing the cards incorrectly is disrespectful towards the recipients Telling you of her plan to do so is impertinent and picking a fight Telling you she does not care about your opinion twice is redundant and also tiresome And Miss Manners notes that this is being done as a prelude to wishing relatives well on their birthdays and anniversaries DEAR MISS MANNERS When I issue online invitations to multiple guests at once I generally use the option to hide the guest list from invitees Related Articles Asking Eric I was demoted and I don t know how to deal with the whispers Harriette Cole My sister won t call me back and I have no idea what s wrong Miss Manners I don t like what strangers say about my kids and my husband Dear Abby We thought we were talking privately but it was caught on her doorbell video Asking Eric I signed a prenup and now I m resenting this situation I m not sure why I do this except that back when I sent invitations through the mail nobody got or expected a list of the other invitees However a few of our friends before they tell us whether they plan to attend or not right now ask who else is invited or who else is coming It makes me wonder if they only plan to intend if the list includes the Cool Kids GENTLE READER Wonder no more Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www missmanners com to her email gentlereader missmanners com or through postal mail to Miss Manners Andrews McMeel Syndication Walnut St Kansas City MO
